I’ve had enough. Enough of this life without Him. Life? What life? This is mere existence. I’m am so empty, yet so heavy. How can that be? This void has taken on a life of it’s own, consuming me. I can not fill it. Even my breaths can’t reach it. The men come and go, yet I find no solace. I feel emptier than before. I can’t drink. How can I do that to a God who’s saved me? But oh how the booze can take me away from myself and this life. What I would give for that release. I think of death and wish for it, the quiet and calm of it all. But, my boys. What a wretched thing to leave them with. I am a hostage, held captive by rights and wrongs and should-dos.
He told me I would forsake Him, but I did not believe. Did not trust His word. I left Him.
I fall to my knees, an offering of nothing. There is nothing left of me. How does one sacrifice nothing at all?
“What have I done for you?”
and I’m taken aback. His voice. Quiet yet firm and I answer, guilt and shame pouring forth. Again,
Reasons run out of me like water. I can’t because… Who am I to speak one word?
But there He is,
“I will be with you.”
And that, for now, is enough.